Earth Day

April 22nd marked the 27th annual observance of Earth Day, a worldwide festival celebrating the importance of the environment. The holiday was created back in 1970 by some hippie in order to raise public awareness of environmental issues. Earth Day is seen as an answer to our increasing environmental problems such as pollution and the ozone layer to some, and it is seen as a waste of time to others. You need not guess as to which stance I take.

To me, Earth Day is nothing shy of the national day of hypocrisy. This is the day where everyone pretends to be interested in helping the environment and join hands and sing around the campfires while eating veggie burgers off of recycled plates. The droves of hippies gather together in the parks and fields of America and smoke up to be one with nature. And the graffiti artists who tag up walls on the weekends are now spray painting murals about "peace on earth" and "saving the planet". The media does its part too. Every TV station mentions the Earth Day festivities and what you can do to help the planet. Recycle. Reuse. Rerecycle. All of it makes me sick to my stomach. A nauseating display of high hopes and impossible dreams.

This Earth Day was no exception and all of the hippies were out in force. The trains and buses were packed with smelly hippies (partly due to the fact that they were free because of Earth Day) and the air reeked of body odor and pachouli. Where were they all going? Well, it seems that somewhere in Massachusetts there is a nuclear power plant and it dawned upon the hippies of MA to protest it on Earth Day (can you feel the plot bubbling yet?). Anyway, the hippies all grouped together miles outside the plant for a hippie jamboree yesterday morning. They were all dancing and singing and holding hands. You would have sworn it was another fucking Woodstock. Then, after hours of this hippie bullshit, they all marched down to the plant carrying signs that read, "No Nukes" [webmaster note: what does a nuclear power plant have to do with nuclear bombs??]. When they finally reached the plant, their plan was to climb the fence and protest on the inside of the plant. Well, the good old Mass. State Police weren't going to let this happen. Inside the gates of the plant were 100s of cops just waiting to kick some hippie ass. But, did this stop the dumb, stinking hippies? No sir! They just threw up their ladders and hopped on over the fence. Once inside, they planted flowers and held hands, singing hippie songs, before the cops dragged them to jail kicking and screaming. How honorable.

So, being the environmentally conscious person that I am, I decided to partake in some Earth Day celebrations of my own. First off, I bought an aerosol can of CFCs and sprayed it straight into the sky. When a passing hippie tried to stop me, I pulled out my Zippo® and used a homemade flamethrower to quickly dispatch my smelly antagonist. Next, I took all of my empty beer bottles and Cherry Coke® cans down to the trash and made sure not to recycle them. The third step of my evil master plan was thwarted when the Boston Police found the canister of Agent Orange that I was planning on releasing during the free Earth Day concert at the Esplanade. Next, I chopped down a few trees and burned them. Then, I kicked a bum. But, the crowning achievement of the day was when I confronted a hippie and said, "This is what I think about Earth Day," as I spat upon the ground. I then bit the head off of a dove and walked away. Fuck Earth Day. When the polar ice caps melt and the flood come to wash away the scum of the earth, I will be strapped to the mast of my dragon ship so that I too don't fall victim to the Siren's song.

But my prayers for war and pestilence went unanswered and the hippies continued their futile worship of Mother Earth. And at the end of the day, I took a walk through the very same parks and fields that these jobless hippies were celebrating in. The Boston Common was littered with Earth Day flyers and pamphlets. The ground was covered with cups and plates strewn about. Cigarette butts and the occasional roach could be found beneath the smashed soda and beer cans. The earth which they held so precious was trampled and raped, and all in the name of the environment. It brought a smile to my face. As I exited the public gardens I was careful to drop my Cherry Coke® bottle on the ground, as well as the wrapper from the stick of gum I was then inserting into my mouth. Perhaps a young duckling would try to eat it, choke and die. I could only hope. For that would bring us one step closer to the Green House Effect and mass extinction and the end of the pathetic life forms that ruined this planet in the first place.

Plant a tree or die? Recycle? Nah, just shoot a hippie. The world will be a better place.