Behn, Aphra
. The City Heiress
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[A Room.]
[Enter Charlot, Foppington, and Clacket.]
Charlot
Enough, I've heard enough of Wilding's Vices,
to know I am undone. [Weeps.]
-- Galliard his Mistress too? I never saw her, but I have
heard her fam'd for Beauty, Wit, and Fortune:
That Rival may be dangerous.
Foppington
Yes, Madam, the fair, the young, the witty Lady
Galliard, even in the height of his Love to you; nay,
even whilst his Uncle courts her for a Wife, he designs
himself for a Gallant.
Charlot
Wondrous Inconstancy and Impudence!
Mrs. Clacket
Nay, Madam, you may rely upon Mr.
Foppington's Information; therefore if you respect your
Reputation, retreat in time.
Charlot
Reputation! that I forfeited when I ran away
with your Friend, Mr. Wilding.
Mrs. Clacket
Ah, that ever I shou'd live to see [Weeps]
the sole Daughter and Heir of Sir Nicholas Gett-all, ran
away with one of the leudest Heathens about Town!
Charlot
How, your Friend, Mr. Wilding, a Heathen; and
with you too, Mrs. Clacket! that Friend, Mr. Wilding, who
thought none so worthy as Mrs. Clacket, to trust with so
great a Secret as his flight with me; he a Heathen!
Mrs. Clacket
Ay, and a poor Heathen too, Madam. 'Slife,
if you must marry a Man to buy him Breeches, marry an
honest Man, a Religious Man, a Man that bears a Conscience,
and will do a Woman some Reason --
Why, here's Mr. Foppington, Madam; here's a Shape, here's
a Face, a Back as strait as an Arrow, I'll warrant.
Charlot
How! buy him Breeches! Has Wilding then no
Fortune?
Foppington
Yes, Faith, Madam, pretty well; so, so, as the
Dice run; and now and then he lights upon a Squire,
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or so, and between fair and foul Play, he makes a shift to
pick a pretty Livelihood up.
Charlot
How! does his Uncle allow him no present
Maintenance?
Foppington
No, nor future Hopes neither: Therefore, Madam,
I hope you will see the Difference between him and a
Man of Parts, that adores you. [Smiling and bowing.]
Charlot
If I find all this true you tell me, I shall know
how to value my self and those that love me.
-- This may be yet a Rascal. [ Enter Maid.]
Maid
Mistress, Mr. Wilding's below. [Exit.]
Foppington
Below! Oh, Heaven, Madam, do not expose me
to his Fury, for being too zealous in your Service. [In great Disorder.]
Charlot
I will not let him know you told any thing, Sir.
Foppington
Death! to be seen here, would expose my Life. [To Clacket.]
Mrs. Clacket
Here, here, step out upon the Stair-case,
and slip into my Chamber. [Going out, returns in fright.]
Foppington
Owns, he's here; lock the Door fast; let him
not enter.
Mrs. Clacket
Oh, Heavens, I have not the Key! hold it,
hold it fast, sweet, sweet Mr. Foppington. Oh, should there
be Murder done, what a Scandal wou'd that be to the
House of a true Protestant! [Knocks.]
Charlot
Heavens! what will he say or think, to see me
shut in with a Man?
Mrs. Clacket
Oh, I'll say you're sick, asleep, or out of
Humour.
Charlot
I'd give the World to see him. [Knocks.]
Tom Wilding
[Without.]
Charlot,
Charlot! am I deny'd an
entrance? By Heaven, I'll break the Door. [Knocks again; Fop. still holding it.]
Foppington
Oh, I'm a dead Man, dear Clacket! [Knocking still.]
Mrs. Clacket
Oh, hold, Sir, Mrs. Charlot is very
sick.
-221-
Tom Wilding
How, sick, and I kept from her!
Mrs. Clacket
She begs you'll come again an Hour hence.
Tom Wilding
Delay'd! by Heaven, I will have entrance.
Foppington
Ruin'd! undone! for if he do not kill me, he may
starve me.
Mrs. Clacket
Oh, he will not break in upon us! Hold,
Sir, hold a little; Mrs. Charlot is just -- just -- shifting her
self, Sir; you will not be so uncivil as to press in, I hope,
at such a Time.
Charlot
I have a fine time on't, between ye, to have
him think I am stripping my self before Mr. Foppington --
Let go, or I'll call out and tell him all. [Wild. breaks open the Door and rushes in: Fop. stands close up at the entrance till he is past him, then venturing to slip out, finds Wild. has made fast the Door: so he is forc'd to return again and stand close up behind Wild. with signs of Fear.]
Tom Wilding
How now, Charlot, what means this new
Unkindness?
what, not a Word?
Charlot
There is so little Musick in my Voice, you do
not care to hear it: you have been better entertain'd, I
find, mightily employ'd, no doubt.
Tom Wilding
Yes, faith, and so I have, Charlot: damn'd
Business, that Enemy to Love, has made me rude.
Charlot
Or that other Enemy to Love, damn'd Wenching.
Tom Wilding
Wenching! how ill hast thou tim'd thy Jealousy!
What Banker, that to morrow is to pay a mighty Sum,
wou'd venture out his Stock to day in little Parcels, and
lose his Credit by it?
Charlot
You wou'd, perfidious as you are, though all your
Fortune, all your future Health, depended on that Credit. [Angry.]
Tom Wilding
So, hark ye, Mrs. Clacket, you have been prating
I find in my Absence, giving me a handsom Character to
Charlot -- You hate any good thing shou'd go by your
own Nose. [Aside to Clacket.]
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Mrs. Clacket
By my Nose, Mr. Wilding! I defy you:
I'd have you to know, I scorn any good thing shou'd go
by my Nose in an uncivil way.
Tom Wilding
I believe so.
Mrs. Clacket
Have I been the Confident to all your
Secrets this three years, in Sickness and in Health, for
richer, for poorer; conceal'd the Nature of your wicked
Diseases, under the honest Name of Surfeits; call'd your
filthy Surgeons, Mr. Doctor, to keep up your Reputation;
civilly receiv'd your t'other end of the Town young
Relations at all Hours --
Tom Wilding
High!
Mrs. Clacket
Been up with you, and down with you
early and late, by Night and by Day; let you in at all
Hours, drunk and sober, single and double; and civilly
withdrawn, and modestly shut the Door after me?
Tom Wilding
What! The Storm's up, and the Devil cannot lay it.
Mrs. Clacket
And I am thus rewarded for my Pains! [Weeps.]
Tom Wilding
So Tempests are allay'd by Showers of Rain.
Mrs. Clacket
That I shou'd be charg'd with speaking ill
of you, so honest, so civil a Gentleman --
Charlot
No, I have better Witness of your Falshood.
Foppington
Hah, 'Sdeath, she'll name me!
Tom Wilding
What mean you, my Charlot?
Do you not think I love you?
Charlot
Go ask my Lady Galliard, she keeps the best
Account of all your Sighs and Vows,
And robs me of my dearest softer Hours. [Kindly to him.]
Mrs. Clacket
You cannot hold from being kind to him. [Aside.]
Tom Wilding
Galliard! How came she by that Secret of my
Life? [Aside.]
Why, ay, 'tis true, I am there sometimes
about an Arbitration, about a Suit in Law, about my Uncle.
Charlot
Ay, that Uncle too --
You swore to me you were your Uncle's Heir;
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But you perhaps may chance to get him one,
If the Lady prove not cruel.
Tom Wilding
Death and the Devil, what Rascal has been
prating to her! [Aside.]
Charlot
Whilst I am reserv'd for a dead Lift, if Fortune
prove unkind, or wicked Uncles refractory:
Yet I cou'd love you though you were a Slave, [In a soft Tone to him.]
And I were Queen of all the Universe.
Mrs. Clacket
Ay, there you spoil'd all again -- you forgot
your self.
Charlot
And all the World when he looks kindly on me.
But I'll take Courage and be very angry. [Aside.]
Nor do your Perjuries rest here; you're equally as false
to Galliard, as to me; false for a little Mistress of the
Town, whom you've set up in spite to Quality. [Angry.]
Mrs. Clacket
So, that was home and handsom.
Tom Wilding
What damn'd Informer does she keep in pension?
Charlot
And can you think my Fortune and my Youth
Merits no better Treatment? [Angry.]
How cou'd you have the Heart to use me so? [Soft to him.]
I fall insensibly to Love and Fondness. [Aside.]
Tom Wilding
Ah, my dear Charlot! you who know my Heart,
can you believe me false?
Charlot
In every Syllable, in every Look;
Your Vows, your Sighs, and Eyes, all counterfeit.
You said you lov'd me, where was then your Truth?
You swore you were to be your Uncle's Heir;
Where was your Confidence of me the while.
To think my Generosity so scanted,
To love you for your Fortune?
-- How every Look betrays my yielding Heart! [Aside.]
No, since Men are grown so cunning in their
Trade of Love, the necessary Vice I'll practise too,
And chaffer with Love-Merchants for my Heart.
Make it appear you are your Uncle's Heir,
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I'll marry ye to morrow.
Of all thy Cheats, that was the most unkind,
Because you thought to conquer by that Lye.
To night I'll be resolv'd.
Tom Wilding
Hum! to night!
Charlot
To night, or I will think you love me for my Fortune;
Which if you find elsewhere to more advantage,
I may unpitied die -- and I shou'd die
If you should prove untrue. [Tenderly to him.]
Mrs. Clacket
There you've dasht all again.
Tom Wilding
I'm resolv'd to keep my Credit with her --
Here's my Hand;
This Night, Charlot, I'll let you see the Writings.
-- But how? a Pox on him that knows for Thomas. [Aside.]
Charlot
Hah! that Hand without the Ring!
Nay, never study for a handsom Lye.
Tom Wilding
Ring? Oh, ay, I left it in my Dressing-room
this Morning.
Charlot
See how thou hast inur'd thy Tongue to falshood!
Did you not send it to a certain Creature
They call Diana,
From off that Hand that plighted Faith to me?
Tom Wilding
By Heaven, 'tis Witchcraft all;
Unless this Villain Foppington betray me.
Those sort of Rascals would do any thing
For ready Meat and Wine -- I'll kill the Fool -- hah, here! [Turns quick, and sees him behind him.]
Foppington
Here, Lord! Lord!
Where were thy Eyes, dear Wilding?
Tom Wilding
Where they have spy'd a Rascal.
Where was this Property conceal'd?
Foppington
Conceal'd! What dost thou mean, dear Tom?
Why, I stood as plain as the Nose on thy Face, mun.
Tom Wilding
But 'tis the ungrateful Quality of all your sort
to make such base returns.
-225-
How got this Rogue Admittance, and when in,
The Impudence to tell his treacherous Lyes?
Foppington
Admittance! why thou art stark mad: Did not
I come in with you, that is, follow'd you?
Tom Wilding
Whither?
Foppington
Why, into the House, up stairs, stood behind you
when you swore you wou'd come in, and follow'd you in!
Tom Wilding
All this, and I not see!
Foppington
Oh, Love's blind; but this Lady saw me, Mrs.
Clacket saw me -- Admittance quotha!
Tom Wilding
Why did you not speak?
Foppington
Speak! I was so amaz'd at what I heard, the villanous
Scandals laid on you by some pick-thank Rogue or other,
I had no Power.
Tom Wilding
Ay, thou know'st how I am wrong'd.
Foppington
Oh, most damnably, Sir!
Tom Wilding
Abuse me to my Mistress too!
Foppington
Oh, Villains! Dogs!
Charlot
Do you think thy have wrong'd him, Sir? for
I'll believe you.
Foppington
Do I think, Madam? Ay, I think him a Son of a
Whore that said it; and I'll cut his Throat.
Mrs. Clacket
Well, this Impudence is a heavenly Virtue.
Tom Wilding
You see now, Madam, how Innocence may suffer.
Charlot
In spite of all thy villanous dissembling,
I must believe, and love thee for my quiet.
Tom Wilding
That's kind; and if before to morrow I do not
shew you I deserve your Heart, kill me at once by quitting
me -- Farewel -- I know where both my Uncle's Will and
other Writings lie, by which he made me Heir to his
whole Estate.
My Craft will be in catching; which if past,
Her Love secures me the kind Wench at last. [Aside.]
[Goes out with Fop.]
Mrs. Clacket
What if he should not chance to keep his
Word now?
-226-
Charlot
How, if he shou'd not! by all that's good, if he
shou'd not, I am resolv'd to marry him however. We two
may make a pretty Shift with three thousand Pound a
year; yet I wou'd fain be resolv'd how Affairs stand between
the old Gentleman and him. I wou'd give the World to
see that Widow too, that Lady Galliard.
Mrs. Clacket
If you're bent upon 't, I'll tell you what we'll
do, Madam; There's every Day mighty Feasting here at
his Uncle's hard by, and you shall disguise your self as well
as you can, and so go for a Niece of mine I have coming
out of Scotland; there you will not fail of seeing my Lady
Galliard, though, I doubt, not Mr. Wilding, who is of
late discarded.
Charlot
Enough; I am resolv'd upon this Design; let's
in and practise the northern Dialect. [Ex. both.]
[The Street.]
[Enter Wilding and Foppington.]
Tom Wilding
But then Diana took the Ring at last?
Foppington
Greedily, but rail'd, and swore, and ranted at your
late Unkindness, and wou'd not be appeas'd. [Enter Dresswell.]
Tom Wilding
Dresswell, I was just going to see for thee.
Dresswell
I'm glad, dear Tom, I'm here to serve thee.
Tom Wilding
And now I've found thee, thou must along with me.
Dresswell
Whither? but I'll not ask, but obey.
Tom Wilding
To a kind Sinner, Frank.
Dresswell
Pox on 'em all; prithee turn out those petty
Tyrants of thy Heart, and fit it for a Monarch, Love, dear
Wilding, of which thou never knew'st the Pleasure yet,
or not above a day.
Tom Wilding
Not knew the Pleasure! Death, the very Essence,
the first Draughts of Love. Ah, how pleasant 'tis to drink
when a Man's a dry!
The rest is all but dully sipping on.
-227-
Dresswell
And yet this Diana, for thither thou art going,
thou hast been constant to this three or four Years.
Tom Wilding
A constant Keeper thou mean'st; which is indeed
enough to get the Scandal of a Coxcomb: But I know
not, those sort of Baggages have a kind of Fascination so
inticing -- and faith, after the Fatigues of formal Visits to a
Man's dull Relations, or what's as bad, to Women of
Quality; after the busy Afflictions of the Day, and the
Debauches of the tedious Night, I tell thee, Frank, a Man's
best Retirement is with a soft kind Wench. But to say
Truth, I have a farther Design in my Visit now. Thou
know'st how I stand past hope of Grace, excommunicated
the Kindness of my Uncle.
Dresswell
True.
Tom Wilding
My leud Debauches, and being o'th' wrong Party,
as he calls it, is now become an irreconcilable Quarrel, so
that I having many and hopeful Intrigues now depending,
especially those of my charming Widow, and my City-Heiress,
which can by no means be carried on without
that damn'd necessary call'd ready Mony; I have stretcht
my Credit, as all young Heirs do, till 'tis quite broke.
New Liveries, Coaches, and Clothes must be had, they
must, my Friend.
Dresswell
Why do'st thou not in this Extremity clap up a
Match with my Lady Galliard? or this young Heiress
you speak of?
Tom Wilding
But Marriage, Frank, is such a Bugbear! And
this old Uncle of mine may one day be gathered together,
and sleep with his Fathers, and then I shall have six thousand
Pound a Year, and the wide World before me; and who the
Devil cou'd relish these Blessings with the clog of a Wife
behind him? -- But till then, Money must be had, I say.
Foppington
Ay, but how, Sir?
Tom Wilding
Why, from the old Fountain, Jack, my Uncle;
he has himself decreed it: He tells me I must live upon
my Wits, and will, Frank.
-228-
Foppington
Gad, I'm impatient to know how.
Tom Wilding
I believe thee, for thou art out at Elbows; and
when I thrive, you show it i'th' Pit, behind the Scenes,
and at Coffee-houses. Thy Breeches give a better account
of my Fortune, than Lilly with all his Schemes and Stars.
Foppington
I own I thrive by your influence, Sir.
Dresswell
Well, but to your Project, Friend, to which I'll
set a helping Hand, a Heart, a Sword, and Fortune.
Tom Wilding
You make good what my Soul conceives of you.
Let's to Diana then, and there I'll tell thee all. [Going out, they meet Diana, who enters with her Maid Betty, and Boy, looks angrily.]
-- Diana, I was just going to thy Lodgings!
Diana
Oh, las, you are too much taken up with your
rich City-Heiress.
Tom Wilding
That's no cause of quarrel between you and I,
Diana: you were wont to be as impatient for my marrying,
as I for the Death of my Uncle; for your rich Wife ever
obliges her Husband's Mistress; and Women of your sort,
Diana, ever thrive better by Adultery than Fornication.
Diana
Do, try to appease the easy Fool with these fine
Expectations -- No, I have been too often flatter'd with the
hopes of your marrying a rich Wife, and then I was to have
a Settlement; but instead of that, things go backward with
me, my Coach is vanish'd, my Servants dwindled into one
necessary Woman and a Boy, which to save Charges, is
too small for any Service; my twenty Guineas a Week,
into forty Shillings; a hopeful Reformation!
Tom Wilding
Patience, Diana, things will mend in time.
Diana
When, I wonder? Summer's come, yet I am still
in my embroider'd Manteau, when I'm drest, lin'd with
Velvet; 'twould give one a Fever but to look at me: yet still
I am flamm'd off with hopes of a rich Wife, whose Fortune
I am to lavish. -- But I see you have neither Conscience
nor Religion in you; I wonder what a Devil will become
of your Soul for thus deluding me! [Weeps.]
-229-
Tom Wilding
By Heaven, I love thee!
Diana
Love me! what if you do? how far will that go
at the Exchange for Point? Will the Mercer take it for
current Coin? -- But 'tis no matter, I must love a Wit
with a Pox, when I might have had so many Fools of
Fortune: but the Devil take me, if you deceive me any
longer. [Weeping.]
Tom Wilding
You'll keep your word, no doubt, now you have
sworn.
Diana
So I will. I never go abroad, but I gain new
Conquests. Happy's the Man that can approach nearest
the Side-box where I sit at a Play, to look at me; but if I
deign to smile on him, Lord, how the overjoy'd Creature
returns it with a Bow low as the very Benches; Then
rising, shakes his Ears, looks round with Pride, to see who
took notice how much he was in favour with charming
Mrs. Dy.
Tom Wilding
No more, come, let's be Friends, Diana; for you
and I must manage an Uncle of mine.
Diana
Damn your Projects, I'll have none of 'em.
Tom Wilding
Here, here's the best softner of a Woman's Heart;
'tis Gold, two hundred Pieces: Go, lay it out, till you
shame Quality into plain Silk and Fringe.
Diana
Lord, you have the strangest power of persuasion!
Nay, if you buy my Peace, I can afford a Pennyworth.
Tom Wilding
So thou canst of anything about thee.
Diana
Well, your Project, my dear Tommy?
Tom Wilding
Thus then -- Thou, dear Frank, shalt to my Uncle,
tell him, that Sir Nicholas Gett-all, as he knows, being dead,
and having left, as he knows too, one only Daughter his whole
Executrix, Mrs. Charlot, I have by my civil and modest
Behaviour, so won upon her Heart, that two Nights since
she left her Father's Country-house at Lusum in Kent, in
spite of all her strict Guards, and run away with me.
Dresswell
How, wilt thou tell him of it, then?
Tom Wilding
Hear me -- That I have hitherto secur'd her at
a
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Friend's House here in the City; but diligent search being
now made, dare trust her there no longer: and make it my
humble Request by you, my Friend, (who are only privy
to this Secret) that he wou'd give me leave to bring her
home to his House, whose very Authority will defend her
from being sought for there.
Dresswell
Ay, Sir, but what will come of this, I say?
Tom Wilding
Why, a Settlement; you know he has already
made me Heir to all he has, after his decease: but for being
a wicked Tory, as he calls me, he has after the Writings
were made, sign'd, and seal'd, refus'd to give 'em in trust.
Now when he sees I have made my self Master of so vast
a Fortune, he will immediately surrender; that reconciles
all again.
Dresswell
Very likely; but wo't thou trust him with the
Woman, Thomas.
Tom Wilding
No, here's Diana, who, as I shall bedizen, shall
pass for as substantial an Alderman's Heiress as ever fell
into wicked Hands. He never knew the right Charlot,
nor indeed has any body ever seen her but an old Aunt
and Nurse, she was so kept up -- And there, Diana, thou
shalt have a good opportunity to lye, dissemble, and jilt in
abundance, to keep thy hand in ure. Prithee, dear Dresswell,
haste with the News to him.
Dresswell
Faith, I like this well enough; this Project may
take, and I'll about it. [Goes out.]
Tom Wilding
Go, get ye home, and trick and betauder your
self up like a right City-Lady, rich, but ill-fashion'd; on
with all your Jewels, but not a Patch, ye Gypsy, nor no
Spanish Paint d'ye hear.
Diana
I'll warrant you for my part.
Tom Wilding
Then before the old Gentleman, you must behave
your self very soberly, simple, and demure, and look as
prew as at a Conventicle; and take heed you drink not
off your Glass at Table, nor rant, nor swear: one Oath
confounds our Plot, and betrays thee to be an arrant Drab.
-231-
Diana
Doubt not my Art of Dissimulation.
Tom Wilding
Go, haste and dress -- [Ex. Dian. Bet. and Boy.]
[Enter Lady Gall. and Closet, above in the Balcony; Wild. going out, sees them, stops, and reads a Paper.]
Tom Wilding
Hah, who's yonder? the Widow! a Pox upon't,
now have I not power to stir; she has a damn'd hank
upon my Heart, and nothing but right down lying with
her will dissolve the Charm. She has forbid me seeing her,
and therefore I am sure will the sooner take notice of me. [Reads.]
Mrs. Closet
What will you put on to night, Madam? you
know you are to sup at Sir Timothy Treat-all's.
Lady Galliard
Time enough for that; prithee let's take a turn
in this Balcony, this City-Garden, where we walk to take
the fresh Air of the Sea-coal Smoak. Did the Footman
go back, as I ordered him, to see how Wilding and Sir
Charles parted?
Mrs. Closet
He did, Madam, and nothing cou'd provoke Sir
Charles to fight after your Ladyship's strict Commands.
Well, I'll swear he's the sweetest natur'd Gentleman --
has all the advantages of Nature and Fortune: I wonder
what Exception your Ladyship has to him.
Lady Galliard
Some small Exception to his whining Humour;
but I think my chiefest dislike is, because my Relations
wish it a Match between us.
It is not hate to him, but natural contradiction. Hah, is
not that Wilding yonder? he's reading of a Letter sure.
Tom Wilding
So, she sees me. Now for an Art to make her
lure me up: for though I have a greater mind than she,
it shall be all her own; the Match she told me of this
Morning with my Uncle, sticks plaguily upon my Stomach;
I must break the Neck on't, or break the Widow's Heart,
that's certain. If I advance towards the Door now, she
frowningly retires; if I pass on, 'tis likely she may call
me. [Advances.]
-232-
Lady Galliard
I think he's passing on,
Without so much as looking towards the Window.
Mrs. Closet
He's glad of the excuse of being forbidden.
Lady Galliard
But, Closet, know'st thou not he has abus'd my Fame,
And does he think to pass thus unupbraided?
Is there no Art to make him look this way?
No Trick -- Prithee feign to laugh. [Clos. laughs.]
Tom Wilding
So, I shall not answer to that Call.
Lady Galliard
He's going! Ah, Closet, my Fan! -- [Lets fall her Fan just as he passes by; he takes it up, and looks up.]
Cry mercy, Sir, I am sorry I must trouble you to bring it.
Tom Wilding
Faith, so am I; and you may spare my Pains,
and send your Woman for't, I'm in haste.
Lady Galliard
Then the quickest way will be to bring it. [Goes out of the Balcony with Closet.]
Tom Wilding
I knew I should be drawn in one way or other.
[Changes to a Chamber.]
[Enter L. Galliard, Wilding, Closet. To them Wilding, delivers the Fan, and is retiring.]
Lady Galliard
Stay, I hear you're wondrous free of your
Tongue, when 'tis let loose on me.
Tom Wilding
Who, I, Widow? I think of no such trifles.
Lady Galliard
Such Railers never think when they're abusive;
but something you have said, a Lye so infamous!
Tom Wilding
A Lye, and infamous of you! impossible!
What was it that I call'd you, Wise or Honest?
Lady Galliard
How can you accuse me with the want of either?
Tom Wilding
Yes, of both: Had you a grain of Honesty, or
intended ever to be thought so, wou'd you have the impudence
to marry an old Coxcomb, a Fellow that will
not so much as serve you for a Cloke, he is so visibly and
undeniably impotent?
-233-
Lady Galliard
Your Uncle you mean.
Tom Wilding
I do, who has not known the Joy of Fornication
this thirty Year, and now the Devil and you have put it
into his Head to marry, forsooth. Oh, the Felicity of the
Wedding-Night!
Lady Galliard
Which you, with all your railing Rhetorick,
shall not have power to hinder.
Tom Wilding
Not if you can help it; for I perceive you are
resolved to be a leud incorrigible Sinner, and marry'st this
seditious doting Fool my Uncle, only to hang him out for
the sign of the Cuckold, to give notice where Beauty is
to be purchas'd, for fear otherwise we should mistake, and
think thee honest.
Lady Galliard
So much for my want of Honesty; my Wit is
the part of the Text you are to handle next.
Tom Wilding
Let the World judge of that by this one Action:
This Marriage undisputably robs you both of your Reputation
and Pleasure. Marry an old Fool, because he's
rich! when so many handsome proper younger Brothers
wou'd be glad of you.
Lady Galliard
Of which hopeful number your self are one.
Tom Wilding
Who, I! Bear witness, Closet; take notice I'm
upon my Marriage, Widow, and such a Scandal on my
Reputation might ruin me; therefore have a care what
you say.
Lady Galliard
Ha, ha, ha, Marriage! Yes, I hear you give it
out, you are to be married to me: for which Defamation,
if I be not reveng'd, hang me.
Tom Wilding
Yes, you are reveng'd; I had the fame of vanquishing
where'er I laid my Seige, till I knew thee, hard-hearted
thee; had the honest Reputation of lying with
the Magistrates Wives, when their Reverend Husbands
were employ'd in the necessary Affairs of the Nation,
seditiously petitioning: and then I was esteemed; but
now they look on me as a monstrous thing, that makes
honourable Love to you. Oh, hideous, a Husband Lover!
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so that now I may protest, and swear, and lye my Heart
out, I find neither Credit nor Kindness; but when I beg
for either, my Lady Galliard's thrown in my Dish: Then
they laugh aloud, and cry, who wou'd think it of gay, of
fine Mr. Wilding? Thus the City She-wits are let loose
upon me, and all for you, sweet Widow: but I am resolv'd
I will redeem my Reputation again, if never seeing you,
nor writing to you more, will do it. And so farewel,
faithless and scandalous honest Woman.
Lady Galliard
Stay, Tyrant.
Tom Wilding
I am engag'd.
Lady Galliard
You are not.
Tom Wilding
I am, and am resolv'd to lose no more time on
a peevish Woman, who values her Honour above her
Lover. [He goes out.]
Lady Galliard
Go, this is the noblest way of losing thee.
Mrs. Closet
Must I not call him back?
Lady Galliard
No, if any honest Lover come, admit him;
I will forget this Devil. Fetch me some Jewels; the
Company to night at Sir Timothy's may divert me. [She sits down before her Glass.]
[Enter Boy.]
Boy
Madam, one, Sir Anthony Meriwill, wou'd speak
with your Ladyship.
Lady Galliard
Admit him; sure 'tis Sir Charles his Uncle; if he
come to treat a Match with me for his Nephew, he takes
me in a critical Minute. Wou'd hebut leave his whining,
I might love him, if 'twere but in Revenge. [Enter Sir Anthony Meriwill and Sir Charles.]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
So, I have tutor'd the young Rogue, I hope
he'll learn in time. Good Day to your Ladyship; Charles
[putting him forward]
my Nephew here, Madam -- Sirrah
-- notwithstanding your Ladyship's Commands -- Look
how he stands now, being a mad young Rascal! -- Gad, he
wou'd wait on your Ladyship -- A Devil on him, see if
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he'll budge now -- For he's a brisk Lover, Madam, when
he once begins. A Pox on him, he'll spoil all yet.
Lady Galliard
Please you sit, Sir.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Madam, I beg your Pardon for my Rudeness.
Lady Galliard
Still whining? -- [Dressing her self carelesly.]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
D'ye hear that, Sirrah? oh, damn it, beg Pardon!
the Rogue's quite out of's part.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Madam, I fear my Visit is unseasonable.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Unseasonable! damn'd Rogue, unseasonable
to a Widow? -- Quite out.
Lady Galliard
There are indeed some Ladies that wou'd be
angry at an untimely Visit, before they've put on their best
Faces, but I am none of those that wou'd be fair in spite
of Nature, Sir -- Put on this Jewel here. [To Clos.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
That Beauty needs no Ornament, Heaven has
been too bountiful.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Heaven! Oh Lord, Heaven! a puritanical
Rogue, he courts her like her Chaplain. [Aside, vext.]
Lady Galliard
You are still so full of University Complements --
Sir Anthony Meriwill
D'ye hear that, Sirrah? -- Ay, so he is, indeed,
Madam -- To her like a Man, ye Knave. [Aside to him.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
Ah, Madam, I am come --
Sir Anthony Meriwill
To shew your self a Coxcomb.
Lady Galliard
To tire me with Discourses of your Passion --
Fie, how this Curl fits! [Looking in the Glass.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
No, you shall hear no more of that ungrateful
Subject.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Son of a Whore, hear no more of Love, damn'd
Rogue! Madam, by George, he lyes; he does come to speak
of Love, and make Love, and to do Love, and all for Love --
Not come to speak of Love, with a Pox! Owns, Sir, behave
your self like a Man; be impudent, be saucy, forward,
bold, touzing, and leud, d'ye hear, or I'll beat thee before
her: why, what a Pox! [Aside to him, he minds it not.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
Finding my Hopes quite lost in your unequal
Favours to young Wilding, I'm quitting of the Town.
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Lady Galliard
You will do well to do so -- lay by that Necklace,
I'll wear Pearl to day. [To Clos.]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Confounded Blockhead! -- by George, he
lyes
again, Madam. A Dog, I'll disinherit him. [Aside.]
He
quit the Town, Madam! no, not whilst your Ladyship is
in it, to my Knowledge. He'll live in the Town, nay, in
the Street where you live; nay, in the House; nay, in the
very Bed, by George; I've heard him a thousand times
swear it. Swear it now, Sirrah: look, look, how he stands
now! Why, dear Charles, good Boy, swear a little, ruffle
her, and swear, damn it, she shall have none but thee.
[Aside to him.]
Why, you little think, Madam, that this
Nephew of mine is one of the maddest Fellows in all
Devonshire.
Lady Galliard
Wou'd I cou'd see't, Sir.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
See't! look ye there, ye Rogue -- Why, 'tis all
his Fault, Madam. He's seldom sober; then he has a dozen
Wenches in pay, that he may with the more Authority
break their Windows. There's never a Maid within forty
Miles of Meriwill-Hall to work a Miracle on, but all are
Mothers. He's a hopeful Youth, I'll say that for him.
Sir Charles Meriwill
How I have lov'd you, my Despairs shall
witness: for I will die to purchase your Content. [She rises.]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Die, a damn'd Rogue! Ay, ay, I'll disinherit
him: A Dog, die, with a Pox! No, he'll be hang'd first,
Madam.
Sir Charles Meriwill
And sure you'll pity me when I'm dead.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
A curse on him; pity, with a Pox. I'll give
him ne'er a Souse.
Lady Galliard
Give me that Essence-bottle. [To Clos.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
But for a Recompence of all my Sufferings --
Lady Galliard
Sprinkle my Handkerchief with Tuberose. [To Clos.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
I beg a Favour you'd afford a Stranger.
Lady Galliard
Sooner, perhaps. What Jewel's that? [To Clos.]
Mrs. Closet
One Sir Charles Meriwill --
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Lady Galliard
Sent, and you receiv'd without my Order!
No wonder that he looks so scurvily.
Give him the Trifle back to mend his Humour.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
I thank you, Madam, for that Reprimand.
Look in that Glass, Sir, and admire that sneaking Coxcomb's
Countenance of yours: a pox on him, he's past Grace,
lost, gone: not a Souse, not a Groat; good b'ye to you,
Sir. Madam, I beg your Pardon; the next time I come
a wooing, it shall be for my self, Madam, and I have
something that will justify it too; but as for this Fellow,
if your Ladyship have e'er a small Page at leisure, I desire
he may have Order to kick him down Stairs. A damn'd
Rogue, to be civil now, when he shou'd have behav'd
himself handsomely! Not an Acre, not a Shilling -- buy
Sir Softhead. [Going out meets Wild. and returns.]
Hah,
who have we here, hum, the fine mad Fellow? so, so,
he'll swinge him, I hope; I'll stay to have the pleasure
of seeing it done. [Enter Wilding, brushes by Sir Charles.]
Tom Wilding
I was sure 'twas Meriwill's Coach at Door. [Aside.]
Sir Charles Meriwill
Hah, Wilding!
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Ay, now, Sir, here's one will waken ye, Sir. [To Sir Char.]
Tom Wilding
How now, Widow, you are always giving
Audience to Lovers, I see.
Sir Charles Meriwill
You're very free, Sir.
Tom Wilding
I am always so in the Widow's Lodgings, Sir.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
A rare Fellow!
Sir Charles Meriwill
You will not do't elsewhere?
Tom Wilding
Not with so much Authority.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
An admirable Fellow! I must be acquainted
with him.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Is this the Respect you pay Women of her
Quality?
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Tom Wilding
The Widow knows I stand not much upon
Ceremonies.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Gad, he shall be my Heir. [Aside still.]
Lady Galliard
Pardon him, Sir, this is his Cambridge Breeding.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Ay, so 'tis, so 'tis, that two Years there quite
spoil'd him.
Lady Galliard
Sir, if you've any further Business with me,
speak it; if not, I'm going forth.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Madam, in short --
Sir Anthony Meriwill
In short to a Widow, in short! quite lost.
Sir Charles Meriwill
I find you treat me ill for my Respect;
And when I court you next,
I will forget how very much I love you.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Sir, I shall be proud of your farther Acquaintance;
for I like, love, and honour you. [To Wild.]
Tom Wilding
I'll study to deserve it, Sir.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Madam, your Servant. A damn'd sneaking
Dog, to be civil and modest with a Pox! [Ex. Sir Char. and Sir Anth.]
Lady Galliard
See if my Coach be ready. [Ex. Clos.]
Tom Wilding
Whether are you janting now?
Lady Galliard
Where you dare not wait on me, to your
Uncle's to Supper.
Tom Wilding
That Uncle of mine pimps for all the Sparks of
his Party;
There they all meet and bargain without Scandal:
Fops of all sorts and sizes you may chuse,
Whig-land offers not such another Market. [Enter Closet.]
Mrs. Closet
Madam, here's Sir Timothy Treat-all come to wait
on your Ladyship to Supper.
Tom Wilding
My Uncle! Oh, damn him, he was born to be
my Plague: not-Disinheriting me had not been so great a
Disappointment; and if he sees me here, I ruin all the
Plots I've laid for him. Ha, he's here.
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[Enter Sir Tim.]
Sir Timothy Treat-all
How, my Nephew Thomas here!
Tom Wilding
Madam, I find you can be cruel too,
Knowing my Uncle has abandon'd me.
Sir Timothy Treat-all
How now, Sir, what's your Business here?
Tom Wilding
I came to beg a Favour of my Lady Galliard,
Sir, knowing her Power and Quality here in the City.
Sir Timothy Treat-all
How a Favour of my Lady Galliard! The
Rogue said indeed he would cuckold me. [Aside.]
Why,
Sir, I thought you had been taken up with your rich Heiress?
Tom Wilding
That was my Business now, Sir: Having in my
possession the Daughter and Heir of Sir Nicholas Gett-all,
I would have made use of the Authority of my Lady
Galliard's House to have secur'd her, till I got things in
order for our Marriage; but my Lady, to put me off, cries
I have an Uncle.
Lady Galliard
A well contrived Lye. [Aside.]
Sir Timothy Treat-all
Well, I have heard of your good Fortune; and
however a Reprobate thou hast been, I'll not shew my self
so undutiful an Uncle, as not to give the Gentlewoman a
little House-room: I heard indeed she was gone a week ago,
And, Sir, my House is at your Service.
Tom Wilding
I humbly thank you, Sir. Madam, your
Servant. A pox upon him and his Association. [Goes out.]
Sir Timothy Treat-all
Come, Madam, my Coach waits below. [Exit.]