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  #1  
Old 09-01-2005, 05:50 PM
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Ender Ender is offline
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Default Is this my CHOICE???

One of my more astute friends figured out "hmmm...she has gotten more depressed, then she started talking about being SUDDENLY REALLY REALLY DEPRESSED, then she started to wear long sleeves, and when she started to wear short sleeves again, her arms were covered in bracelets that she never takes off....hmmm......." and asked me about it. I dodged the question a couple of times, but he was persistent...and now I am going to be moving in with the guy...so I figured I had to tell him. So I did. And added "my parents will freak out if they see!" (I am going to visit my parents next at Christmas)

He said "They will heal"
Me - "Not if I keep doing it!"
Him - "Well, that's a choice you'll have to make, isn't it?"

????? ???????

Me - "A choice? Do you think I do this for fun? I don't. Do you think I would hurt myself if I had a choice? I wouldn't do this if there was any other way...sometimes this is the only thing that helps.....Please don't think I'm a freak."
Him - "Well...I don't think you're a freak...I guess you're a bit odd...you know how all those people who are "brilliant" have madness in them, like artists and inventors and mathematicians and stuff, that they say are mad, maybe you're like that....?"



HOW is this helpful???? But he's right. And now I am going to be living with him, and seeing him everyday, and knowing that he thinks I am a crazy freak. And I am going to have to paste on a phony smile and just pretend that everything is fine, and tell him that "this" was just temporary, and I really am fine now, and don't worry, because clearly I can't count on him for SUPPORT! He actually made me want to cut again. I mean, I know someone else cannot make you cut, but that discussion was so upsetting and so frustrating and made me feel so upset and freakish and horrible that when I got home I really really really wanted to cut. It is NOT supposed to be like that.
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  #2  
Old 09-02-2005, 02:51 PM
SLH SLH is offline
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Ender,

I really do not know what to say right now. I am sending you hugs and understanding.

Take care, and I hope it gets better.
Shauna
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  #3  
Old 09-02-2005, 10:22 PM
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vulgerlove vulgerlove is offline
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Most people do not understand self injuriers. "Crazy freak" oppose to "normal freak"?

Why are you moving in with him if you feel you can't get support for him, sounds like you are setting yourself up.

Don't expect people to understand that don't do it. They never will get it. Accept that and it will make things easier.

I think that we can control this. I was a SIer for many years and had the same mentality. That I couldn't quit. I was right. I couldn't because I thought that I couldn't. It wasn't until I made the descion that I could stop is when I did stop.

Youare right no one can make you cut...lol...last time I cut I was in the bathroom of my old apartment listening to my exfiance bicker at me through the door and I was so frusturated I felt like a time bomb, I didn't know what to do, so I cut hoping it would shut him up. Irrational.

The only way you are going to stop cutting is to let yourself stop cutting. If I can quit, I honestly believe that anyone can because I, well, yeah, anyone can if I can. All you have to do is be sick of it and hurting yourself for past pain surfacing in present hurt and be strong. It's not easy. The urges eventually subside to not be a daily thing. It's hard. It's comparable to an alcholic or drug addict. The pain is our drug. We need meetings. Reassurance. People who UNDERSTAND. Nothing bothers me more than those who think its stupid, or call us crazy. They don't understand, they never will understand and so I have accepted this and moved on.

What am I getting out of this? I ask myself. Nothing.
What are you gettingout of this?

Does it really release the pain, or give an excuse to do it again?

Be nice to yourself and take back your life. You can do it. If you need me let me know> I am here, I understand and have been there, done that and am in "recovery"

(((((((((LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE EE))))))))))))
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  #4  
Old 09-03-2005, 12:24 PM
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Ender Ender is offline
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Thanks for the replies, SLH and Vulgerlove.

Everyday I get up and say "today I am not going to cut again. Today is day #1." But then I do. I can't help it. The stuff in my head just gets too loud, it gets to be too much, and I have to get my work done, and, well, I will spare you my insane "logic", but anyway, I do cut. And I think that it helps. I feel like it does. It is the ONLY thing that does. And I really feel like if it were taken away, it would be the last lifeline that I had. Like when I was at a Christian camp a few weeks ago (I tried to get out of going, but I had to go), and we were in communal rooms for sleeping, and there was NO privacy, nowhere to go to cry for a few hours...I could still go into the bathroom and cut, and that was the only thing that saved me. I was so desperate, I thought of...anyway what saved me was that I could cut.

If there is nothing else to help, and it continues being this bad, then I am never going to be able to stop. I've actually decided to switch from my arm (which causes problems like this one) to my hip, which no one can see. Ever. He will assume that I "CHOSE" to stop, which he can assume if he wants, I don't care. And no one will ever be in danger of seeing or guessing again, because it will be completely hidden. Which is what I would have done in the first place, if it hadn't been an impulsive thing to begin with. Then I wouldn't have this problem at all. Now, the quicker the arm heals and I can prove to him that I'm "fine", the better.
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  #5  
Old 09-04-2005, 03:02 AM
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Rainytuesday Rainytuesday is offline
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Default maybe...

Hi Ender,

I hate it that you hurt so much you feel the need to cut. I can understand that. I never thought about it this way until I read this post and what your boyfriend said. Let me explain.

I am a smoker. A long time smoker. Nicotene and inhaling that smoke has been in my life since I was 13. I HAVE always considered thiis addiction to be a choice. Now that you mention it, the SI is a choice too. See, I always

"need a cigarette: when things get bad, I get angry, or what-have-you. It was and continues to be my rebellion against life. I know how bad it is for me, but when I get really ticked or sad, I end up frantic if I can't have access to my cigarettes.

So, yes...I guess it is a choice. Just like every time I raise a cig to my lips and inhale I made a choice. So every time you go to cut, you make a choice. You CAN choose not too, Ender. What it amounts to is you have to have the self-confidence to know you CAN deal with life. It is not fun, nor fair, what some of us has to go through. But we were never given a card that said if we weren't satisfied we could return ourselves for a new self. We are stuck with all swe are.

I self-injure by smoking. Others self-injure by eating. Still others are more of the "normal self-injurers and fit the definition by cutting. We all have our reprieves. We have to choose not to use them. Yet, I am still smoking after 25 years. I did not smoke while pregnant because my babies would not be able to make such a choice.

Just a thought. Hang in there. I love you!


Rainy

Good night. Catch you tomorrow!
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  #6  
Old 09-04-2005, 12:43 PM
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THe thing is, I feel like it ISN'T my choice! I started the SI out of desperation - I didn't even know what I was doing. I had thought of it lots of times before, but had always CHOSEN to stop myself. But the time I did it, I didn't have the choice anymore. But then I was so terrified, I swore I would never ever do it again. And the second time I did it, again, I didn't have the choice. I was having flashbacks, and the only way to not be in the parts of my body I didn't want to be in was to feel pain somewhere else. But I didn't think about it like that, i just did it. It was impulsive. It wasn't logical, that is why it ended up on my wrist, and that is why it was with my own fingernails. And I did it in public, like not in my own room. No one could tell what I was doing, but...

Now it is different. Sometimes I still have to do it desperately in public with my own nails, but it also helps me calm down and focus so that I can carry on with "normal" life. Like when the stuff in my head is just too much, I can turn it into a physical wound and deal with it that way, at least for awhile. Otherwise I'll crack. It helps. It actually helps. It is just about the only thing that DOES.

If I really had a choice, I mean, was REALLY free to choose, then I would NOT CHOOSE to cut my own flesh every day.

At least when a smoker started, it seemed cool, it was something to do, maybe it gets you more breaks at work (well, it does for some people), makes you a bit thinner maybe...whatever. Overeaters, get to eat more good stuff. Undereaters get thinner. Cutters? Get messes to clean up, scars to hide or explain to prying eyes, friends who now think you're a freak, infections to prevent or care for...the only up sides are those it shares with all the other "addictive" behaviours: the high, the comfort, the buzz, and the fact that you're wrecking a body you prolly don't care about, (or hate), anyway.

I can't just choose to stop. I wish I could. I've tried. Don't you think I've tried? I told a friend that I do it, hoping that by telling her I would be accountable to someone, and therefore less likely to do it. Nope.

It feels like I'm being told that I have the choice whether I am depressed or not. I can CHOOSE to get up in the morning and decide to put on a happy face that day, and if I do, my feelings will follow. Well you know what? That is BULLS**T. Today, I met a friend in the morning for Church, and we spent the day shopping after that. She doesn't know anything about me being "down", because she only ever sees my "perfect Ender" face that bakes cookies and organizes all the fundraisers and makes sure everyone is where they are supposed to be, all while singing songs. So I had to put on my happy face today. And it was on all day long. And I just spaced out through most of the day, and followed her around, thinking how everyone around me looked so happy, and why couldn't I be that happy? And now I am so exhausted and I am about to burst into tears.

Where is the CHOICE in that? I CHOSE not to stay home and just spend the day lying in bed (which is what I really felt like doing) but to paste on a smile and go out and do things (which is what, in theory, a "happy person" SHOULD be doing)...but I only feel MORE depressed for my trouble, not LESS!

I just feel so helpless. No one will help me, so I try to help myself and they tell me that I'm doing bad things and wrong and sin. They tell me I must stop and that it is my own fault that I am so awful. I know I am awful, but I can't stop, yet they insist I must! I just don't know what to do or where to turn...

Sorry for the ramble and the rampage. I am just at the end of my rope.
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  #7  
Old 09-06-2005, 01:05 AM
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Rainytuesday Rainytuesday is offline
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Default ..well....

Hey girl. Sorry if I caused you to feel as if you were under the gun. I didn't mean to. Some of my alters are not quite as good as saying things in ways that do not harm. Please forgive me if I made you hurt more. I really didn't mean to.

Just for record sake, I smoke when I am angry. It has evolved into a habit all of the time, but my dad kicked the bucket when I was 13 and I was pi**ed off at the world and cancer...what a rational way to "I'll show you", huh? Anyway, it was not cool in my group of friends. Besides, to me, it didn't matter what others thought. Anyway, back to more important stuff than my smoking.

I DO understand how you feel. Few know that I am not the happy little Rainy running around doing much the same as what you do. The MASK is what we

have created. It has been more solidified in the past week, with hubby sick of DID and the alters and not wanting to talk to them. He wants it to just go away. It is ironic, though. He talks with more of them now than he ever has. but the voice is so close to normal that he doesn't notice. And here I thought he was the one person who knew me. Well, so much for thought.

The fact of the matter is that there is no one. There really isn't. The kids are sick of it too.

I gotta take dog out. Gonna log out for now.
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