What should I do if I receive a letter from someone I don't want to write to?


As you gain experience in pen-palling, you might receive mails or letters from someone you don't want to be penpals with. Perhaps it's because you simply don't have enough time to write them. Or it's because that person is different from your preference (interests, countries, friendship or romantic relationship etc.) But whatever reason you have, the question is "How should I respond to them?" Here are several sample cases with examples to deal with them.


Case 1: I got a first-time letter from someone for being pen pals, but I don't have enough time and/or I don't find their letters very interesting.

In my very personal opinion, you don't have to answer all of them, especially if they are e-mails. Very few people hold grudge against you about that. I myself have never received any offensive message from someone I did not answer. I sometimes write my first mail to someone and never hear from him, but I start trying to find another pen pal right away. Once I find one, I don't care about someone who did not reply me at all.

However, if you do not like leaving the letters/e-mails as they are, you could refuse politely. Here's an example;

I am sorry, but I cannot be your pal. I am so busy with my schoolwork that I cannot afford the time to have any more pen pals. Thank you for your understanding, and I hope you can find a good pen pal soon.

Your letter may differ by the clarity of words, how much you describe your reasons in detail etc. But the points here are:

  • Write about you, not them. The example above talks about the writer being busy, not about the characteristics of the person you are writing. For example, if you are looking for only male/female pals or pals in a certain country, you can start like "I cannot be your pen pal because I am looking for only female pen pals at this time". A counterexample for this sentence (not recommended) is "You are a man and I'm not looking for male pals, so I don't want to be with your pen pal." Sentences that express what you want is much more effective and non-offensive way of refusal than blaming the person who wrote you for who they are or what they did. This technique is not only about pen pals, but is described in many books on assertiveness.

  • Conclude with a positive statement. Here the sample wishes for good luck in finding someone else to write. You don't have to be overpolite, but a positive conclusion makes the recipient feel better and keeps good impression on you.

If you swap friendship books and know the sender of the mail swaps them too, you can make "sorry FBs" for them. Write something like "I am sorry, but I cannot be your pals because I am not looking for new pals for now. I am hoping you'll find some nice pals from here." so that they will know why you are making those FBs. However, some people do not like FBs, so it's better not to do this if you're not sure whether the sender swaps FBs or not./p>


Case 2: What if my pen pal and I have been writing each other for a while, and I feel our friendship does not work out?

I experienced this before, too. In many of these cases the correspondence ends gradually because we both feel our friendship is not working well. Either of us stops writing one day and the other understands what it means. This is similar to natural end of friendship in real world (i.e. friends we go out with). If you stop writing and your pen pal does not reply anymore, that's that - especially if you think your pen pal has also been feeling uncomfortable.

However, some people do not think that their pen pals are feeling uncomfortable. They wonder why their pen pal has not been writing recently, so they may ask why. In that case, or if you want to call it off in a clearer way, you can write them explaining your thoughts. The point here is, it's not a good idea to be offensive, even if you dislike them - that is, do not write something like "I'm not going to write you anymore because your letters are so boring!" unless it is your very last resort. By writing this way your penpal can be hurt and even hold grudge against you.

Again, the point is to write about your reasons, not your pen pal's. For example, you could write that you are too busy to continue writing. You are not lying by saying so because most people are busy anyway, and you are not blaming your pen pal for anything.


Case 3: I received a weird mail - I received a mail from someone who says he/she wants to be my romantic partner even though I only posted a friendship ad!

Unfortunately, mails like this are not uncommon - mails seeking for romantic relationship in response to a friendship ad. To refuse this type of mail, you could just not reply it, or write a refusal note with reasonable explanations, such as "I cannot be your girlfriend/boyfriend because we have never met each other before and I know nothing about you." If the mail is a scary one (such as the one threatening you to be his/her romantic partner) or if you receive harassing mails for not saying yes, I would recommend talking to a professional because these cases are beyond the scope of this site.


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